


My Heart's On Fire (how about yours?)

by euphoriaseoks



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Actors, Alternate Universe - Actors, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, M/M, Phandom Big Bang, Phandom Big Bang 2017, The Author Regrets Everything, brief internalised biphobia, happy end, mentions of cheating, the title is from "all star" by smash mouth because the author has a serious problem
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-31 23:05:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12692058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphoriaseoks/pseuds/euphoriaseoks
Summary: The entire team that works on “Romeo and James”, a retold version of Shakespeare’s masterpiece “Romeo and Juliet” is full of lovely, funny and kind people that Dan actually enjoys spending time with. But evil takes human form in Philip Michael Lester, the only person on planet earth that Dan would very gladly gift a one-way ticket to Mars, so that he shall never return. (Phil, and Donald Trump perhaps.)Or: The one where usually, people don’t fall in love with the person that caused their life to fall apart, unless they’re in a cheesy rom-com. Then again, usually people aren’t Dan Howell.





	My Heart's On Fire (how about yours?)

**Author's Note:**

> It’s here! My (not very) long awaited PBB fic that I spent months annoying my friends with annd about a year and a half working on (”but Lucie”, I hear you say “how is it only 7k words when you were writing it for that long?” well, I’m very good at keeping things short and compact. Also, depression and graduation and uni.)
> 
> And yes, the title is a line from “All Star” by Smash Mouth, I have a problem, sue me.
> 
>  
> 
> A massive THANK YOU goes to Vivi (vivianadichiara.tumblr.com) for the absolutely amazing and stunning art she did. You can check it out here: http://vivianadichiara.tumblr.com/post/167384845254/good-night-good-night-parting-is-such-sweet  
> but I’ll link to it again at the end so you can avoid spoilers.
> 
> Another THANK YOU to Skipper (strangely-skipper.tumblr.com), my amazing beta, support system, one-woman-motivational-team and friend, who did an amazing job picking out all the mistakes I made (a lot) and telling me to get off my arse and write. You’re a true hero.
> 
>  
> 
> Shoutout to the granny phannies gc for enduring me being annoying with this fic, you’re all amazing!
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own any of the people mentioned. Any smiliarity to real persons (except the YouTubers) is purely coincidental. 
> 
> Read it on Tumblr!: http://aestheticsmemes.tumblr.com/post/167384765142/my-hearts-on-fire-how-about-yours 
> 
> For Monica - because god knows, I’ve been spoiling and teasing you enough.

Dan Howell has not signed up for this. Okay, maybe he had signed up for a casting, and he has definitely been happy to actually get the role (honestly, playing Romeo Montague in  _the actual fucking Globe Theatre_ was something he had never dreamed could become true), but he has not signed up to having to deal with  _him._

The entire team that works on “Romeo and James”, a retold version of Shakespeare’s masterpiece “Romeo and Juliet” is full of lovely, funny and kind people that Dan actually enjoys spending time with.

But evil takes human form in Philip Michael Lester, the only person on planet earth that Dan would very gladly gift a one-way ticket to Mars, so that he shall never return. (Phil, and Donald Trump perhaps.)

And if fate hadn’t already fucked with him by having his girlfriend decide to break up with him on the day of his 26th birthday, it is certainly laughing its arse off now, as Phil plays Dan’s counterpart, James Capulet, meaning the two have to act like a goddamn loving couple for extended periods of time- and Dan’s about to lose his mind.

See, Dan doesn’t mindlessly hate Phil, oh no, he actually has a fairly good reason for his vitriolic demeanor, even though Louise doesn’t seem to believe the entire mess is Phil’s mistake. It isn’t exactly like Dan had asked Phil to become inappropriately jealous of the younger one’s success and decide to ruin his entire life based on the director’s choice of cast, leaving Phil to play the- in Dan’s opinion- slightly less important role of Romeo’s lover, despite having auditioned for Romeo as well. Dan just had been better, and Phil is obviously a bitter bastard with too much envy.

Speaking of the devil, the door to Dan’s dressing room opens and the blue-eyed bastard enters, without having made the effort of knocking, which pisses off Dan just a tiny bit more. Not that he’d ever show it, he’s an actor after all.

“Uh, Hazel told me to remind you that we’re starting rehearsals again in ten minutes,” the other man says, and there’s a short silence before Dan harshly nods once, not bothering to look at Phil.

“I know. Close the door behind you.”

Phil simply sighs and leaves again. Needless to say he does not close the door, which makes Dan’s anger rise even more.

He doesn’t know why Hazel has decided to send  _him_ , of all people, to get Dan. Everyone working in the theatre knows about their disliking of each other, despite being able to act all lovey-dovey on stage. Dan likes to think that they were both very good actors, being able to pull that off.

With a bitter taste in his mouth, Dan angrily chucks his half-eaten apple into the bin besides his mirror and all but stomps out of the room to get to the rehearsal on time. Bloody Phil, bloody director, bloody three flights of stairs that he has to run down in order to get to the stage.

 

*** 

 

Upon entering the theatre, Dan’s greeted with a picture of pure chaos. Hazel is stood on her director’s chair yelling at the background extras to concentrate and please stop staring at Phil, the main stage light keeps going out, causing the chief light technician to let out an array of curses. It’s honestly a miracle nobody has started crying and/ or set something on fire yet.

“Dan, there you are.” Hazel says, clearly relieved to see him, before switching back to her professional voice: “Okay everyone, let’s go through the first meeting scene again. Ladies, please try to concentrate and not to stare at the actors, thank you. Places please!”

This is easy for Dan. He walks up the stage, to his position and immediately falls into the role of Romeo. The lines fall off his lips as if he actually were at that party, his movements fit those of his counterparts, and all the hate he has for Phil turns into love, the hardness into softness. Their interaction is soft, gentle, warm, nothing like the cold looks they shoot each other off stage.

The scene ends with them standing very close together, chests almost touching, and as soon as Hazel yells “cut!” they take a few steps back, cross their arms and go back to glaring. It’s almost like the temperature has dropped a bit as they listen to their director point out the tiny mistakes they did make, but Dan’s used to that by now. After all, he really hates Phil Lester.

 

***

 

At lunch, Dan sits alone, like he usually does. Hazel is talking to Jack, Dodie and Evan are out to grab some Starbucks and even Duncan is gone, probably calling his wife. Dan’s about to bite into his sandwich when he sees someone sitting down across from him. It’s Phil, of course it’s Phil, the universe hates him.

“What, is that table your property now?” Phil asks in response to Dan’s confused yet angry glance. “Everywhere else is full.” He adds and sets his cup of coffee down on the wood.

They eat in silence for a few minutes, and Dan thinks he could cut the tension with a knife if he had one right now. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and Phil is shifting on his chair like a schoolkid that’s scared of being caught without homework.

“You know,” he starts suddenly, causing Dan to look up in surprise. “You did really well, I’ve never seen anyone nail their performance at the first real try.”

Dan lets out a small huff. He really doesn’t like to admit it, but Phil is an incredible actor and this is a huge compliment, coming from him. So, Dan hides the fact he’s actually humbled under twenty layers of narcissism and sarcasm: “I  _am_  a professional, after all.”

Phil rolls his eyes in annoyance. “As am I, but you’re still incredibly good.”

“Thanks.” Dan simply mutters and to him, that indicates the end of this conversation.

The following silence is more awkward and tense than the previous one, if possible, and Dan really,  _really_  wants to leave. But before he can, Phil gets up.

“I’ll go to my dressing-“ he starts, and that’s when it happens. His elbow hits the half-empty cup of coffee, knocking it over and sending the lukewarm liquid right over Dan’s script.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” Dan yells, jumping up, furiously dabbing at the soaked paper with his bare hands.  _The script is ruined_ , he thinks, and then he realises what is going on here.

“You’re trying to sabotage me!” he accuses, looking at Phil with what can only be described as white fury. “This is all just a spiel, complimenting me and then ruining my script on purpose! You’re jealous I got Romeo's part, that’s why you- you. Ugh!”

Phil, now visibly pissed, interrupts him: “I am perfectly happy with my role, thank you.” He snarls. ”And how often do I need to tell you, what happened that night-“

“Yeah whatever. Fuck you.” Dan cuts him off, not believing he would dare to bring up  _that night_  right now, and stomps off, almost steaming.

 

***

 

“It’s like his only goal in life is to ruin mine!” Dan exclaims, plopping down on Louise’s couch and angrily hitting his pillow. His makeshift bed isn’t exactly comfortable to sleep on, but he has to make do with what he can get, after what happened. And currently, his best friend’s couch is the only place he can crash.

Louise sits down next time him, hands him a cup of tea and starts patting his back: “Okay love, calm down. I’m sure he didn’t mean to knock that coffee over and “ruin” your script. Besides, didn’t you say you knew all your lines by heart anyways?”

“All lines, but that’s beside the point. The thing is-“

“No Dan,” Louise interrupts, ”you were wrong to go off on him like that. I’ve met Phil, he’s actually a really nice guy, there’s no way he’s trying to sabotage you.”

Dan lets out an exasperated sigh. “But-“

“No buts, Dan. You’ve overreacted, quite a bit actually.” Louise says again, and now she has that stern look in her eyes, that one only Mums can pull off. Dan hates when she does that to him.

Maybe she is right, he thinks. After all, there’s no reason for Phil to purposefully ruin his script, Jack wouldn’t change his mind about the cast. And it did look like he was trying to apologise before Dan started yelling obscenities at him.

Later that night, when everyone else is asleep, Dan almost seriously considers apologising to Phil the next time he sees him, but then remembers what he did to Dan, how badly Dan had been hurt, and how messed up the whole thing had been.

So no, Dan thinks, Phil Lester doesn’t deserve any kind of apology from him, not after what he’s done to him.

 

***

 

The next few days go by uneventfully. Their rehearsals fly by, the whole crew works like a well-lubed machine by now, even the extras have stopped staring at Phil and start doing what they’re supposed to do.

It’s almost a miracle, but everything is so good for once that Dan catches himself laughing at a few jokes Phil makes and starts acting warmer, sometimes even outright friendly, towards his colleague.

Everything seems perfect, for a little while, until that one fateful day at the end of July.

It starts calm and harmless, like any day does. Dan gets up, eats breakfast with Darcy, Liam and Louise, takes his goddaughter to school and goes to work. Nothing seems unusual.

That is, until Dan hears a sharp knock on his dressing room door and gets up to open it, and he almost shuts the door again when he is met with her face.

Her. Laurie. His ex-girlfriend.

“What do you want?” he asks, not even trying to conceal his disgust.

“Why so brisk, love? I found some of your things in my flat, you know, like those childish games you love so much, and I thought I’d give them back to you, because that’s just how nice I am.”

She almost purrs those words, voice sweet as sugar, almost sickening. Dan feels like throwing up into her extensions. Instead, he takes the box, almost rips it out of carefully manicured hands.

There’s a moment of silence, Laurie smirking at him, her eyes wandering up and down his body, almost predatory.

Dan sighs and rolls his eyes. “What more do you-“

“Dan, can I talk to you? I just have a short question about the-oh” Phil’s stood in the doorway. Of course, as if nothing worse could happen, Phil is now in the same room as Dan and his ex. Fuck.

Laurie, upon hearing Phil’s voice, turns around and leans into him, strokes his upper arm as if to feel his biceps.

“I guess I’d better go.” Phil says, but before he can make a single move, Laurie starts talking again, voice thick with fake affection.

“Why go, sweetie? You’re always more than welcome here, right Danny? I’m sure we can make ourselves at home and get real comfortable, what do you say sweet pea?”

She starts circling Phil like a cat, never taking her eyes nor her hands off him, stroking his chest, his back, his shoulders. Dan goes from wanting to throw up to wanting to cry  _while_  throwing up. And also murdering someone.

“Laurie. Leave this theatre, now.” He all but growls, feeling the anger rise in his chest, threatening to spill over. Miraculously, Laurie gets the message and turns to the door, but not before giving Phil a wet, obnoxiously loud kiss on the check.

“Call me, handsome.” She winks and with that, she’s gone.

Dan clutches the box and turns around, facing the wall. He can hear Phil coming closer.

“Dan, I am so sor-“

Dan drops the box on his table with a loud bang.

“No, you know what? This is your fault. This is all your fucking fault! If it weren’t for you bloody arsehole, my girlfriend never would have cheated on me! Phil I KNOW you did this on purpose! You fucking arsehole seduced my girlfriend and slept with her and let my sorry ass catch you in the act! Honestly, go fuck yourself!”

Phil, who had looked genuinely concerned, furrows his brows in anger. It’s almost like he grows two feet as he raises his voice and starts screaming at Dan: “I should go fuck myself? If anyone here did anything on purpose, it’s your slut of an ex-girlfriend! She seduced me, Dan! I had no clue she was anyone’s girlfriend, let alone yours, until you barged into the room and started yelling profanities at us! And I tried, I bloody tried to explain myself to you, and to apologise, but you just wouldn’t have it! Your fucking head is way too far up your own bloody arse to even think, for one second, that the world doesn’t revolve around you, damnit! I’m so done with you and your shit!”

With that, Phil turns and runs out of the dressing room, slamming the door behind him. It’s eerily silent for a second, before Dan starts sobbing, sits down on the floor and hugs his knees to his chest.

He feels awful. Not only because after so long, he had to face the woman that ripped his heart out, but also because he fully well knows Phil is right. He knows Laurie had been cheating for the better part of a year before he had caught her in the act, and he understands none of the men she slept with had the slightest idea she had been in a five year relationship.

Dan knows all of this, and feels worse than ever before, as his sobs silence and he stands up with shaking legs to seek out Phil, to finally apologise to him.

 

***

 

Dan finds Phil sat on the stage, legs dangling off the edge, arms crossed. He’s shaking as he sits down next to him.

“What?” Phil asks briskly, voice cold and hateful. Dan takes a deep, long breath.

“I wanted to apologise for my behaviour. It was wrong for me to accuse you of doing this whole thing on purpose when I fully well know you hadn’t met her before… that night, but it hurt so bad that I let my anger out on you, and I’m sorry for that. And I’m also sorry for not listening to you when you tried to explain and apologise.”

Phil lets out a surprised huff.

“I guess… I guess I should apologise once more, for what I did and for not understanding why you were so angry at me. I mean, dating someone for what, six years, and catching them in the act with someone else? I’m so incredibly sorry you had to go through that, and even more sorry that I’m indirectly responsible for this.”

Dan nods in understanding. They fall silent, barely daring to breathe. It’s incredibly awkward, almost painful.

Dan sighs quietly.

“So… ugh this is such a cliché, but can we start over?” he asks quietly, staring at the tips of his shoes.

At that, Phil lets out an actual laugh, a happy one, full of relief. He turns to Dan, looks at him and extends his hand.

“Hey, I’m Phil.” He says, smiling. Dan takes his hand, shakes it, introduces himself with a nervous laugh and lets Phil’s hand go again.

So, there they are, sat next to each other on a stage in an empty theatre, too uncomfortable with the situation to say anything, too nervous to just get up and leave.

Dan mentally scolds himself. How could he think this would all be resolved with one encounter, one small apology? Sure, he realised that the whole incident isn’t Phil’s fault, but their issue, Dan thinks, isn’t over yet. Nobody can go from spitting obscenities at each other to becoming friends within mere minutes, after all.

 

***

 

The following rehearsals are awkward, to say the least. Phil seems to think that their talk on the stage a few days ago makes them friends, all of a sudden, but Dan still has to swallow down bile every time he looks at Phil’s lips and remembers the way they had looked sucking on Laurie’s collarbones, has to suppress disgusted gagging whenever Phil’s slender fingers touch him and he imagines the way they made his girlfriend, his one true love, scream in ecstasy. It’s still easier said than done, looking at the man that ripped the floor from under his feet that night and completely ruined him. It’s even harder to act in love around him, trying to push the image of Laurie and Phil  _together_  aside, despite said memory being ingrained into his mind forever.

The others notice, of course. Hazel has a stern chat to him about concentrating and getting whatever is bugging him out of his system, even goes as far as threatening to let his understudy take over (PJ, in Dan’s humble opinion, is an amazing actor but doesn’t get Romeo’s character quite as much as Dan himself does). Duncan keeps asking if he’s okay and then offering Dan to come over and distract him with Mario Kart. Evan makes bad puns, as usual.

After a particularly bad rehearsal, Phil pulls Dan aside, a concerned look on his face.

“Are you okay?” he asks and, oddly enough, sounds genuinely worried about Dan’s wellbeing.

And so, because Dan can take only so many messed up or even forgotten lines, he starts explaining. And as he admits how he still can’t get that night out of his head, how badly he’s trying to forget it, the look on Phil’s face changes from concern to understanding.

“I should’ve guessed.” He mutters, when Dan finishes. Then, Phil takes a deep breath.

“When I was in uni, I caught my then-boyfriend in bed with someone else. We broke up immediately, obviously, but the guy he had cheated with and I shared a few classes. Every time I saw him I wanted to punch the living daylights out of him, even though I knew it hadn’t been his fault. Me and my ex had never told anyone we were dating.”

Dan stops properly listening when Phil says the word  _boyfriend_  so nonchalantly. Instead, he cocks his head to the side and raises an eyebrow questioningly.

“Boyfriend?” he asks, properly confused. How can Phil have been with a man before but then sleep with a woman?

“Yes, boyfriend.” Phil says, taken aback at Dan’s reaction. “This really isn’t important but I’m bisexual, Dan, I like men and women.”

At that, and he really doesn’t know why, Dan feels his heart skip a beat. He remembers the way Laurie would snarl at two girls kissing in a café back when they were in second year, remembers how she’d always dismiss it as “just a phase” when someone in their course had been dating people of both sexes. Phil’s honesty and openness startles Dan quite a bit.

“Okay, cool, cool cool cool.” Dan stutters, voice hoarse. Why is he so taken aback by this? He’s not a homophobe, for god’s sake!

“Anyways, I get it,” Phil starts, unbeknownst of the thoughts racing through Dan’s head.

“It can’t be easy for you to see me all the time but please, let’s at least try to get to know each other a bit better, maybe even become friends or something; we can’t let this get in the way of our acting. Let’s go for coffee together and chat a bit and then we’ll see, okay?”

Days later, after they’ve somehow gone for coffee twice a day, the image of lips-on-collarbone starts to be replaced by an image of lips-on-cup, lips-around-straw. Dan stops remembering that harrowing night every time he looks at Phil. Instead, he’s reminded of the way his tongue pokes out when he laughs, and how the small lines around his eyes get more prominent every time Phil smiles. Hatred and disgust are slowly being replaced by a feeling of familiarity, joy, and what Dan can only describe as friendship.

Perhaps they’ll be okay in the end, Dan hopes.

 

***

 

As it turns out, they are okay, until Dan goes and fucks it up.

Everything goes smoothly until the first rehearsal of that scene, the one scene Dan had guessed from the beginning would give them the most trouble, if for vastly different reasons than they end up being.

It’s the first day of dress rehearsals, the first time everyone is wearing their full costume (until now, most of them had merely worn their characters jacket or hat, or had brought important props with them on stage), and Dan staggers into the theatre, slipping on his lacy, fingerless gloves and glancing downwards to see if the rips in his jeans are still in good placement (they are).He shows up five minutes late as usual.

“Dan!” he’s greeted by a very cheerful Phil, who looks- well- absolutely angelic in his costume.

It’s all held in various shades of blue, contrasting with Dan’s own mainly black dress. Phil’s jeans are embroidered with roses, the chestpiece adorned with silver glistening threads in a fishnet pattern. The jacket he’s wearing almost looks like a gown, with the way the soft, sheer fabric flutters around him.

“Looking good, Lester.” Dan says, clearly astonished. He’s seen all of those pieces before, but never together. It’s odd, really, how clothing that could look so out of place when paired with other things, can look so amazing now.

“Not so bad yourself,” Phil answers, smiling, and tugs at the strings on Dan’s sleeves. “Ready to climb some vines and snog me?” he then adds, wriggling his eyebrows suggestively. Dan snorts.

“You’re too full of yourself,” he grins, and Phil opens his mouth again to answer, but is interrupted by a yelling Hazel.

“Okay everyone, we need full concentration here. This is THE scene, the one scene everyone knows. This has to be spot on, every single time you perform this, okay? Places please!”

The lines come easy to Dan, almost like second nature. He gets into the character, moves swiftly along the stage, climbs the fake vines moving up the balcony with ease. The scene goes amazingly, the chemistry between Dan and Phil on point.

And then, seemingly suddenly, Dan surges up and plants his mouth onto Phil’s- and almost pulls away again.

The moment his lips touch the other man’s, he feels a shiver run down his spine. Phil tastes like mint, tea and something very sweet that Dan can’t quite place. His lips are soft against Dan’s own chapped and bitten ones, moving in synch.

Dan feels something he hasn’t felt in years, something almost like lust and longing. Suddenly, he feels Phil grab him by his collar and pulls him up a bit, almost hungrily.

They kiss with a passion Dan has never felt before, and all he can think is  _closer_  and  _more_  and  _yes, never stop._

Too soon there’s a piercing shriek of “James!” coming from the nurse, their cue to break the kiss up, but Dan can’t bring himself to do it. It’s Phil who remembers to pull away, firmly pushing to keep Dan from chasing him. His eyes are wide in shock, glistening with something, his lips wet with spit, bruised, quivering. He stammers out his next line, voice shaking, breathing heavily. Dan answers, barely even remembering his line, mixing up words.

They catch themselves and make it through the rest of the scene, somehow, both furiously blushing, still with shaky hands and shaky voices.

When the scene ends, and before Hazel can lecture them sternly, Dan walks over to Duncan, to bring a distance between himself and Phil. He can’t bear to look at the other man, let alone stand directly next to him. He feels painfully awkward, hunches his shoulders in defence, starts picking at his nails.

_What was that? He thinks, What did I do, why did I feel that?_

And then, sharp and cold, a single thought burns into his mind:

_Did I mess everything up?_

 

***

 

A few days later, Dan finds himself on Louise’s couch again. She gives him a mug filled to the brim with hot tea and gives him a serious yet worried look.

“We need to talk”, she says, and Dan immediately feels panic rise in his stomach.

“Oh my god what happened? Is the baby alright? Are you alright?” he asks in quick succession and sets a hand on Louise’s belly.

She just smiles gently and bats hits hand away: “Actually, this is about you, not me or the baby.”

She turns to him, that distinct Mum Look on her face that Dan’s only seen when she scolds Darcy.

“Listen, I love you, but you’ve been acting really weird lately,” she starts, softly. “First you’re all angry at this Phil guy, and then suddenly everything is glitter and rainbows, which was good- you deserve happiness! But you’ve been so distant and distracted these past few days, I can’t help but wonder… did something happen?”

Dan can’t bring himself to say anything, can’t bring himself to admitting what happened, refuses to even think about it (although he does, every second of his waking moments, and then dreams about it).

Louise sighs.

“You know, I’m always here for you. If anything happened, you can tell me! We’re friends after all, and-“

“It was the kiss, okay?” Dan bursts out.

At that, Louise merely raises one of her perfectly groomed eyebrows, suspicious.

Dan can hear the desperation in his own voice as he tries to explain himself: “I… I don’t know, I just…we rehearsed this really big kissing scene the other day and I just felt… weird doing it,” he admits, shoulders hunching up with every word he says.

“Disgusted-weird?” Louise inquires, her voice soft and caring. “Did you have a problem with Phil being a guy?”

Dan just shakes his head.

“Maybe you were scared?” Louise suggests and at that, Dan’s heart skips a beat.

He starts to think, starts to remember the last time he’s felt something even remotely close to what he’s felt when his and Phil’s lips locked, and suddenly he has something like an epiphany.

Dan remembers being 20 and seeing this beautiful, stunning girl. He remembers how he’d always try and be close to her, impress her with his intellect, woo her.

Then, he remembers the way he felt when she did finally kiss him, how he’d wanted nothing but her, how his only thoughts had been  _closer_  and  _more_  and  _yes, never stop._

He gasps, shocked, his voice shaking and barely audible as he mutters his next words:

“I… I think I might have feelings for Phil.”

 

***

 

It takes a while for Dan to fully admit it to himself, but he does have feelings for Phil.

The same Phil that he once hated with everything he had, the same Phil that always pouts and demands an “all or nothing” whenever Dan beats him at Mario Kart.

Phil, who’s a man.

And honestly, that’s the part that freaks him out the most.

Dan’s not homophobic, he really isn’t. He has an array of jobs playing gay men to prove that.

Still, it unsettles him that suddenly, he himself now has feelings for another man. It makes him lay awake at night, legs hanging off Louise’s too short couch, remembering those days in school when people would push him into the lockers, spit at him, call him “faggot” and other, equally bad slurs, all because he had joined the drama club and was unfortunately tall.

Dan is absolutely and utterly torn up about his feelings because ultimately, his bullies were right.

But he’s not  _gay_ , is he? After all, he has liked women in the past, loved them even. He’s never felt anything for any other man before that surpassed friendship even in the slightest, and suddenly Phil comes along and makes him question everything? It’s unfair, really.

So, because Dan is Dan, he goes on a Wikipedia Odyssey at three in the morning, and what he finds surprises him.

There’s just so much. Dan knew about homosexuality before, has even heard of bisexuality because Phil mentioned it once. But pansexuality? Demisexuality?? The Kinsey Scale??? Those are all fully new to him.

He takes several online tests about the scale, finds out he’s most likely a 1. “Incidental Homosexual Behaviour”, one website calls it. Dan snorts and calls it “Philsexual”.

He reads article upon article, lands on a YouTube playlist about coming out, reads the synopsis of some ground-breaking anime about ice skating (mentally adds it to his “to watch” list), reads up on Tom Daley and his experiences with being out in the public eye.

There’s so much, and it’s so incredibly interesting, an hour passes like the blink of an eye.

Dan doesn’t sleep that night.

 

***

 

The next morning, at rehearsals, Dan is so exhausted and sleep-deprived, he forgets that he’s supposed to feel awkward around Phil and talks to him like normal. Phil seems confused at first, at the sudden reappearance of their friendship, but goes along with it.

It takes four hours, five rehearsals of the ending scene (five times of  _kissing_  Phil, who sadly isn’t allowed to show any reaction) and six cups of mediocre coffee for Dan to open his mouth and mess everything up.

Phil’s sat next to him on a bench and does nothing but eat a sandwich, but Dan is completely and utterly mesmerised by him, can’t help but stare at his blue eyes, let his gaze wander along his jawline…

And that’s when it happens.

“Do you maybe want to go out with me?” he blurts out, and upon realising what he just said, immediately clasps a hand over his mouth.

Phil stares at him, eyes wide, mouth slightly ajar, a bit of lettuce on his chin.

“Uh, I mean, uh…” Dan stammers out, when suddenly Phil’s eyes crinkle and his lips form a bright, happy smile.

“You mean as a date?” he asks, and now it’s Dan’s turn to gape at Phil like a fish out of water. He can’t do anything but give a small, weak nod.

“Good”, Phil grins: “I’d really like that.”

 

***

 

“Daniel James Howell, if you don’t stop throwing clothes around, I swear to god! You’re worse than Darcy!” Louise scolds, hands on her hips, angrily staring at the mess Dan has made in her living room. Various shirts and button-ups are strewn around the room, a bottle of cologne lying on the carpet, open and slightly leaking. Dan stares at the two pairs of jeans in his hands, a wrinkle between his eyebrows as if deciding which to wear is the hardest task mankind has ever had to face.

“I just don’t know what to wear!” he exclaims, desperate for help and maybe a glass of wine. Or two, really.

“Okay, let me just-“, Louise plucks one pair out of Dan’s grasp, folds it and lays it neatly on the couch. Then, she crouches down and plucks a black button-up out of the mess.

“Here, wear this.” She says, in her no-nonsense mum voice. Dan complies and goes into the bath to change, fix his hair and maybe do something about those damn bags under his eyes.

An hour later, he finds himself waiting outside a small café close to the theatre, nervously stepping from foot to foot. Phil’s late. Like, really late, at least ten minutes late. Without him even being able to do anything about it, Dan’s thoughts start spiralling. What if Phil changed his mind? What if he actually just agreed to go out with Dan as a spur-of-the-moment thing and ultimately doesn’t want to? What if he got run over by a bus or bitten by a goose? What if-

“Dan!” shouts someone, and Dan whirls around to see Phil jogging towards him, wearing a ridiculously shiny silver coat and clutching something that almost looks like flowers.

Before Dan can react, Phil reaches him and pulls him into a short but firm hug.

“These are for you”, he adds, smiling softly, and handing Dan the bouquet of lilies.

Dan feels a blush crawl up his cheeks and ducks his head. “Thank you”, he murmurs, almost inaudible, and smiles at the ground.

When Phil removes his coat inside the café, Dan almost chokes on his own saliva. His shirt is satin black but adorned with a floral pattern, his long legs clad in equally dark skinny jeans. He smiles one of his glowing smiles and puts his coat next to him. In all honesty, Phil looks like sex on legs, and Dan’s heartbeat immediately quickens as he takes a seat across from his date (his  _date_ ), who’s already scanning the menu.  _Oh god,_  Dan thinks,  _I’m going to hell._

Conversation, Dan’s surprised to find, flows quite easily. They quickly get into their usual banter about the West End, their families (Phil excitedly tells Dan that his brother, Martyn, is planning to propose to his girlfriend, Cornelia), what they did before they landed the roles in  _Romeo and James._

Now, there’s just the added bonus of coffee, cupcakes being shared between them and the golden October sun illuminating Phil’s eyes though the slightly stained window.

Phil is in the midst of talking about something particularly funny that happened back when he was in Uni, when he suddenly stops in his tracks, leans over the table and glides his thumb along Dan’s upper lip. “Frosting”, he whispers, staring into Dan’s eyes and licks the cream off his own finger. Dan sees his gaze flicker down to his lips again, feels himself leaning in, ready to close the gap and-

“Would you like any more coffee?”

Dan internally groans. Phil, as if awoken from a trance, snaps back and stares at the waitress.

“No, just the bill please”, he says, pupils blown out so wide his blue iris nothing but a small rim. “I’m paying”, he adds, leaving no room for Dan to protest.

He turns back at him and smiles, but the moment, the chemistry and tension from before, is gone.

 

***

 

“I’ll walk you home”, Dan says when they’re outside again, about to part ways. “It’s the same direction anyways.” (It’s not. Louise’s flat is on the other side of London- but Phil doesn’t need to know that.)

Phil nods, smiles gratefully and leads the way. Conversation goes as smoothly as before, but Dan can’t help but feel like something’s off.

Deep within his own thoughts, he almost doesn’t realise when Phil stops in front of an apartment building and pulls out a key.

“Uh, I live here,” he says awkwardly. Then, he takes a large breath as if he’s bracing himself for something: “Do you maybe want to come up for a glass of wine or something?”

 _Oh_. Well, that certainly comes as a surprise. Before Dan can think, before he can panic because this is Phil, and Phil is a guy, and there’s so many things that could go wrong just now, he gives a simple, quick nod. Phil exhales, a breath Dan didn’t realise he’d been holding, relieved.

The flat is quite spacious, Dan notes as they enter, and looks around wonderingly. “I do YouTube on the side,” Phil mentions as he sees Dan’s reaction. “It pays okay, I mostly do it for fun though. You’d be quite good at it too, I think,” he adds from another room, and returns with two glasses of wine in his hands.

“Cheers”, he smiles as he hands Dan one, sits down on his couch and pats the space next to him, signalling for Dan to sit down as well.

For quite some time, Dan anxiously awaits some kind of move from Phil’s side, expects the older to lean in or lay an arm around his shoulders or do anything leading up to what Dan  _knows_  will happen, but there’s nothing. They talk, and talk, the sun sets and then they’re both on their fourth glass, giggling happily at something unimportant.

“Shhhh,” Phil suddenly says, looks at Dan, then laughs again. He takes Dan’s hand into his. “D’ya hear this?” he whispers and lays Dan’s hand on his own chest. “You make my heart-“, he hiccups “you make my heart do that… flippy-over thing.”

Phil smiles, and Dan smiles, and then Phil’s lips are on his, a bit sloppy but still soft and gentle, so different from that very first kiss they shared on stage. He tastes like wine and cherry lip balm and something that Dan can only recognise as Phil, because his head is swimming, and he doesn’t even know if he feels this giddy because of the alcohol or because of  _Phil_ , finds himself wanting more and more and more, unable to form any coherent thought.

He’s kissing Phil, for real, without an audience, and it’s the most wonderful thing he’s ever done.

 

***

 

 

Epilogue.

Islington, London, England

June 2020

Phil Lester, awoken by the impending rays of sunlight streaming into their bedroom window, yawns and rolls to his side, facing the sleeping form of his boyfriend Dan. He smiles fondly and tugs a curl behind the younger one’s ear.

“Morning, sleepyhead,” he murmurs quietly and presses a chaste kiss to Dan’s forehead. “Get up, today’s a big day.”

When his boyfriend finally stirs and opens his eyes, the usual spiel of “nooo, it’s too cold” and “five more minutes love, please!” begins, but Phil is used to that by now. In fact, he kind of loves having to bribe Dan with promises of breakfast and cuddles, although he’d never admit that to anyone but himself.

Minutes later, Phil’s in the lounge, clutching a steaming mug of coffee while Dan quite literally blocks the bathroom for half an hour like he does every morning. There’s still confetti and glitter from the surprise party they held for Dan last week.  _We need to clean up_ ; Phil thinks and smiles when he hears Dan sing in the shower, because even after three years this domesticity still gets to him. It’s a miracle, really, that someone like Dan could love someone like Phil back.

Today’s a big day. It’s opening night for the new play Dan has the lead in, a modern piece about two people who fall in love over the internet and build a career together (a bit unrealistic, in Phil’s opinion), and Phil remembers the box, safely tucked away inside a rolled-up shirt he very well knows Dan hates, at the back of Phil’s drawer. Tonight, the box will be taken out of its hiding place and the ring placed inside it will hopefully adorn Dan’s fourth finger.

Yeah, today’s a pretty big day.

If one had told Phil of three years ago he would, at one point in his life, put on his finest button-up to propose to Dan Howell, of all people, he probably would have laughed and gone upon talking about how annoying Dan was, and how far he must have a stick up his arse. Current Phil, however, doesn’t really feel like laughing when his heart is pumping this fast with nerves. By now, he would use any word but “annoying” to describe Dan, and the only thing he has up his arse is Phil himself.

 _This is it_ , he thinks, as he locks the door to their flat and lets his hand glide over the bulge in his pocket. Taking Dan’s hand in his own and mirroring the younger one’s excited smile, he knows that he wants nothing more than this.

Three hours later, he feels like he knows nothing anymore. Dan is backstage, getting ready for the play, and Phil is quivering in his seat. They’re in the first row. Dan loves spoiling his loved ones almost as much as he loves being spoiled. His fright doesn’t go unnoticed by Louise, who’s seated between him and Darcy, holding her daughter’s hand.

“Are you alright?” she asks, turning to Phil and laying her free hand on his arm. Phil merely shakes his head.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Louise’s husband, Liam, now asks, leaning over to him, brows furrowed. Phil lets out a breath he hasn’t realised he’s been holding.

“I’m going to propose to Dan tonight,” he whispers, voice barely audible and threatening to break. Good god, he is terrified.

“Phil, oh my god, that’s amazing!” Louise whispers excitedly, a grin spreading across her face. “How are you gonna do it?”

Phil smiles, happy to tell her about his plans.

 

 

Hours later, when the premiere is done and the actors have bathed in the applause, Phil will take Dan out to a restaurant, one of those incredibly fancy ones that require reservations a year in advance. He will use the new play as an excuse because of course, Dan will ask questions.

After dinner, they will take a walk along the Thames, water glistening in the moonlight, and Phil will briefly wonder when they did become such a cliché.

He will stop Dan, suddenly, look at this wonderful, wonderful man in front of him, take a deep breath and start talking:

“You know, every time I think back to that time we met, when we really didn’t get along I ask myself, how didn’t I already love you back then?” He’ll start, and smile at the memory. “Because now, it seems impossible to me to not love you, you’re perfectly imperfect in everything you think and do and are, and I don’t want to spend one day without waking up next to you, or hearing your laugh or looking at your ethereal beauty because… I love you, so much. More than I have ever loved anyone or anything in my whole life so-“

Then, Phil will get down on one knee, seeing the surprise on his lover’s face, will hear his beautiful gasp and see him tear up.

”- Daniel James Howell, love of my life: will you marry me?”

And then, Daniel James Howell, in his ethereal beauty, will whisper a single word, the happiest of all words:

“Yes.”

_And they lived happily ever after._

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is it, thank you so much for reading!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it, feel free to reblog, leave comments or message me if you want to, I’d really appreciate it!
> 
> Again, you can find the art here: http://vivianadichiara.tumblr.com/post/167384845254/good-night-good-night-parting-is-such-sweet  
> Please show Vivi some love, she truly deserves it.
> 
> Find me on Twitter: @floweredphil ! (feel free to follow for Top Bants)  
> and Tumblr: aestheticsmemes.tumblr.com
> 
> Find Skipper on Tumblr: strangely-skipper.tumblr.com  
> and Twitter: @SkippuDippu 
> 
> Find Vivi on Tumblr: vivianadichiara.tumblr.com  
> Twitter: @vividc_art  
> and Instagram: vivianadc.art
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you, again!
> 
> \- Lucie


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